Style Revision: Analysis
Style Revision: Revised Document
Style Revision: Original Document
For my Style class, I read original texts and edited them to improve their style. In this example, I revised a notice from the website of the New York City Board of Health and Mental Hygiene, which explained to residents of New York City that the board amended the health code to restrict foods that contain trans fats and why the board had chosen to amend the health code to do so. I also wrote an analysis for the original author of the notice to explain the main style problems that I identified, show some examples of those style problems, and offer suggested revisions for how to improve the style of those examples. In order to revise the text without losing meaning, I identified the author’s audience and determined the author’s purpose in writing the text. That way, I could understand the context, which helped me to determine the meaning of the text, even though the original had been somewhat confusing.
I have included the analysis of my revision of the text, the revised text, and the original document.
Because the original text was rather long and I was working under academic timing constraints, I only revised the highlighted portions of the text: the Background and the first two paragraphs of the Basis for restricting service of products containing artificial trans fats.
Date Written
March 2015
Target Audience
George Kazanakis, NYC BHMH Researcher on Public Health
Skills Developed
- Unpacking meaning from a text
- Implementing principles of style while maintaining that meaning
- Explaining principles of style to the original author to rationalize the edits